


Tony Stark is the Alyssa Milano

by Akira_of_the_Twilight



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Flustered Peter Quill, Humor, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Masturbation Mentioned, Matchmaker Drax, bad metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 02:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10889556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akira_of_the_Twilight/pseuds/Akira_of_the_Twilight
Summary: Prompt: Starkquill where somehow Drax was the first one to notice that Tony and Peter were into each other, but he's been around humans for a while now and he understands that if you tell them things directly they'll just do the opposite and ruin everything for everyone, so he's going to get them together using... metaphors“Kidnapped, enjoys space, likes your music, and can dance,” Drax listed off.Peter grinned. “Yeah, pretty cool dude. I might actually miss him by the time we get him back to Earth.”For a man who had been in search of a partner for as long as Drax had known him, Drax was surprised that Peter was unable to see his perfect match right before him.Earthlings could be quite stupid sometimes.





	Tony Stark is the Alyssa Milano

“He was kidnapped by aliens,” Drax stated as he watched the earthling known as Tony Stark dance along to the music Peter had declared awesome and that Rocket had grown fond of. Drax found Tony Stark’s dancing to be lazy–a simple roll of the hips and thrusting his arms above his head. It was something Groot could do while he was still potted.

Despite regaining his mobility and being capable of far more intricate dance, Groot mimicked the earthling’s movements and danced beside Tony Stark.  

“He wasn’t kidnapped, Drax. He was accidentally relocated.” Peter huffed as he leaned against the wall. His eyes wandered over Tony Stark’s body and rested on the man’s ass. The corner of Peter’s mouth quirked up as he admired Tony Stark’s rear end. “We’ll get him back home soon. Assuming we can get rid of him. He seems to like space.”

“Kidnapped, enjoys space, likes your music, and can dance,” Drax listed off.

Peter grinned. “Yeah, pretty cool dude. I might actually miss him by the time we get him back to Earth.”

For a man who had been in search of a partner for as long as Drax had known him, Drax was surprised that Peter was unable to see his perfect match right before him.

Earthlings could be quite stupid sometimes.

* * *

Peter had shared tales about popular stories from Earth, and when Drax asked Tony Stark to share more stories with a focus on romance, Drax learned a very important thing about humans and courting. Humans are never direct when it comes to courting. In fact, many of the stories Drax had heard made him question how humans managed to procreate at all. Their indirectness often led to miscommunication and misunderstandings that broke partners apart, albeit temporarily in most tales.

Drax personally disliked the indirectness of human courting, but if that was how courting was done, then he would do his best make it obvious to them that they were perfect for each other without actually saying so.

“Uh, buddy, is there a reason you’re towering over me?” Tony Stark looked up from the floor where he crouched over an open panel and helping Rocket repair and upgrade the ship.

“You are the Alyssa Milano.”

Tony Stark’s eyebrows launched into his hairline. “Oh? So you found out about my secret double life?”

Drax cocked his head. “You are the Alyssa Milano?”

“Didn’t you just say so?”

“I was speaking in metaphor.”

Tony Stark hummed. He stroked his chin and grinned. “Well, I do look damn gorgeous in a bikini.” Tony Stark winked at Drax. “Thank you for the compliment.”

“Peter named the ship after the Alyssa Milano.”

Tony Stark snickered. “Oh. I see. Had a bit of crush, did he? Probably gets a thrill every time he says he’s going to hop on the Milano.”

“He does enjoy piloting the ship.” Drax paused and waited to see if Tony would understand what he was trying to say. The earthling remained oblivious. “You are the Alyssa Milano. Peter named his ship after you. Peter-”

“Peter,” Tony suddenly cupped his hands over his mouth and sang Quill’s name. “Drax says you want to ride me.”

Just a meter behind Drax, someone–-Peter most likely-–spat out their drink.

“What the hell, man?” Peter shouted at the back of Drax’s head.

Tony belly laughed. He clutched his stomach as he wiped away a tear. “Sorry, Drax is practicing metaphors. I just wanted to see how’d you react.”

Peter stomped into the room, clutching a half full bottle of juice. “Not cool, bro,” he aimed at Tony. Peter turned his attention to Drax. “And pal, we have to teach you what it means to want to ride someone.”

“I think it is obvious what it means. I just don’t see why you humans are so fascinated with it, especially since none of you are the swiftest or strongest of animals. There are far better creatures to ride.”

Tony was red in the face with restrained laughter.

Peter bit his bottom lip and patted Drax on the shoulder. “Yeah, we need to have a talk.”

When Peter later explained what it meant to ride another person on Earth, Drax was tempted to point out that what he’d been about to say was accurate then. However,  he reminded himself of the indirect nature of human courting and kept his comment to himself.

He’d have to try again though.

* * *

“Is Tony Stark not like a black hole?” Drax asked Peter.

Peter startled out of his bunk and yanked his hand out from his pants. He swiped away the explicit holo-vid playing above his head. “Drax! You can’t just come bursting into another person’s room without knocking! I thought we already went over that.”

“I did knock.”

“I didn’t answer though.”

“I could hear you through the door; I knew you were inside. Besides, what is there to hide? We may be vastly different, but we have many of the same bodily urges. There is nothing shameful in-”

“Drax!” Peter shouted. “I really don’t want to talk about masturbation with you.”

Drax scoffed. “How do you humans even know how to perform intercourse if you’re not even comfortable talking about self pleasuring?”

“Drax, I’m begging you.” Peter hung his head over his lap. He fisted strands of his hair. “What’s this about Tony being a black hole?”

“Ah, yes! Once a bright star that provided warmth and light, but now a hole that sucks in all that is nearby. Destructive, beautiful, and a mystery.”

Peter’s face pinched and his mouth dropped open a centimeter. “What? At first I thought you were insulting him, but then you went and… I don’t even know what the hell to call that last part.”

“Does he not suck up knowledge like a black hole?”

“I mean,” Peter gesticulated helpless with one hand, “…sure? Maybe? I’m not a poet. I wouldn’t say someone was once warm and bright then follow it up by saying they suck up everything in their path though. Also, ‘destructive’?  How?”

“Have you not seen Tony Stark in combat?”

Peter opened his mouth then shut it. He stood up and ushered Drax out his room. “You know what? I need some alone time. When I’ve had enough alone time, I’ll go look for you and we can discuss your terrible poetry skills. Maybe. Depends on my mood.”

“I look forward to it, Peter.” Perhaps with Peter’s help he’d find some way to get across to the two earthlings that they were perfect for each other.

“Yeah, sure. Later.” Peter shut the door to his room on Drax’s face.

* * *

Drax ventured down into the common area of the ship. Gamora said she’d seen Peter and Tony head down that way. Excitement raced through Drax. He’d thought up a few more metaphors and he couldn’t wait to try them on the humans.

He stepped into the common area and his words were lost to him.

Tony Stark was seated on the table with his legs spread, and Peter was standing between them. Tony Stark’s fingers curled in Peter’s hair and held Peter in place. Peter did not look like he was going anywhere, but perhaps closer toward Tony Stark. He gripped Tony Stark’s hips tight and leaned into the older earthling. Tony Stark’s chest arched, and he did something that caused Peter to moan and grind himself against Tony.

“Now I see why earthlings don’t like to talk about sex in details.”

Peter tore his mouth off Tony Stark’s and cursed. He tried to whirl around, but Tony Stark did an excellent job of keeping Peter in place.

“Drax!” Peter shouted.

Drax wrinkled his nose. “Human intercourse is hideous. You haven’t even shed your clothes yet and already I feel bile rising up in my throat. Does your species emit a scent to keep others away while you breed? It would be a beneficial evolutionary trait.”

“Out!” Peter pointed at the exit.

“If you did not wish for others to see, then way are you attempting sex in the common area?”

“I’ll explain later, just leave.”

“And if he doesn’t, I’ll explain.” Tony winked at Drax.

Tony seized Peter by the jacket and yanked the other human toward him. “Back to what you were doing before we were so rudely interrupted.”


End file.
